Therefore (7/29/17)

There is a deep fear of being untruthful.

I keep going back to, then,

that the only thing I can truly write about

is myself.

But that might not be true.

I might not know myself

as well as I think I do.

And I might know the world better…

understand more…

than I am confident enough to admit.

 

I am not used to writing about the external.

I am used to introspection,

but have trouble applying myself

to something outside of myself.

Perhaps that comes from my detachments

and dream-like perceptions.

It might stem from my fears

and my love for the world.

I tend to fear what I love.

I tend to push away what I think

might be beautiful.

Again, this is all due to

my insecurities.

At least I think it is.

The external is constantly telling me

that my perceptions of reality are wrong.

The world tells me

that I have disorders.

The world tells me

that I should be confident.

The world tells me

that I should think positively.

The world tells me

that my instincts,

my entire being,

is false.

And I believe the world.

And at the same time

I don’t believe the world.

 

I feel most comfortable in being uncomfortable.

I am confident in my doubtfulness.

And I don’t quite know how to articulate any of that.

But I feel it is incredibly important to understand…

unfortunately though,

I do not understand it enough

to really be able to talk about it.

But I will try…

 

I am told as a man that I should be stoic.

I am told that emotion is feminine.

I am told that the need to be hugged and loved

is unmanly and a bit selfish.

I read Facebook posts, and articles,

that tell me that men are scum.

Sometimes, I don’t want to be a man.

Or rather, I have no desire to be the man

that the world thinks men are.

But I can’t really ever escape it.

If I identify as a man,

all of these assumptions come with it…

assumptions of what a man has historically been.

But if I am not the cliché man,

then what am I?

Why identify as being a man at all?

What does being a man mean,

if it’s not what the world thinks it means?

Why do I feel such a kinship with the word,

if I don’t identify with the meaning

which the world has given the word?

The only conclusion

I can currently arrive at

is that being a man

is something that is not really definable.

Therefore, most likely, being a Woman

is not really something definable.

Therefore, Gender

is not really something definable.

Therefore, identity, in general

is not really something definable.

Therefore, I am not really something definable.

 

This doesn’t necessarily mean that I am nothing.

This does mean that there are not words to describe what I am.

Therefore, I am lost and fumbling in this world

if I can not define what I am.

 

But why is that so?

Why do I need to define what I am

in order to function in the world?

After all, I do understand who I am,

just not what I am?

Isn’t that enough?

Apparently not,

because it’s causing a lot of functional problems.

Apparently living in a society

that is built on logic,

one must be a thing…

one must be definable…

in order for society to know where one belongs.

Therefore, not being definable,

is not belonging.

Therefore, no one really belongs anywhere.

Therefore, everyone who believes

that they are something

is most likely lying to themselves a bit…

because can someone even decide

for themselves what they might be?

We are so young and fallible…

isn’t it a bit naïve to believe

that we can know what we are?

 

Not belonging

means that we are truly free.

Not belonging

means that we are truly lonely.

Not belonging

means that we might not be meant to feel complete.

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