The only Infinite I have witnessed

There’s a never-ending servitude.
To what I have no clue.
There’s a decision that I’ve made that I can’t remember.
I don’t understand. I can’t comprehend my own existence.
I see through and see nothing.
Behind the veil is another veil
and behind the mirror is nothing.
There’s that emptiness now,
that’s always there.
I know how to go a day without talking to anyone.
I know how to do it without anyone noticing.
The boy who would cry when his parents would leave the room,
spends most days alone now as a man.
Furious to live in a society where,
because I am a man, I am supposed to be okay
with no touch, no compassion, and no warmth.
It would feel more okay
if I knew I would live forever.
But I know that death is always close.
I know that I just want as much peace beforehand that I can get.
No one knows what death brings,
but I doubt it is anything as wonderful
as the touch of one that you love.
Maybe that’s who or what that I serve.
Perhaps Death is as close to an idea of God
that I can really comprehend…
it is the only infinite that I have witnessed.
I stood there and watched them take his body
down the stairs and out the door.
Those same stairs I would sit on, as a teenager,
staring in the mirrors on the wall well past midnight
teary eyed and heartbroken…
but I did not know yet what true missing is,
true losing is…I did not really know
that the most intelligent and kind go away as well.
I did not really know yet that I will go too.
I did not know that.
I did not know yet that a man asking me for knowledge
of how to code,
would be killed by a car a couple of weeks later…
I did not know that a girl that I had a crush on,
would die from cancer.
I did not know that one by one my four grandparents
would disappear into the ether.
I did not know yet…I did not really know.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *