Self-perception

I’m attracted to things that challenge my perception of reality.
But then become frightened
because my perception of reality has been challenged.

I don’t understand so much about my world,
this world, whatever world is real…
or whether there is a “real”
and what does “real” mean?

I feel this empty feeling everyday
and there doesn’t seem an obvious way
to satisfy it.

Even in order to write
I have to convince myself that I should.
I have to convince myself it is for a purpose
or that it matters to someone.
I have to convince myself
that I’m in the process of
figuring something out.

I have to convince myself that I’m not alone,
but the truth is I really am.
The truth is that nobody can take away this pain.
I know because I know
that I’ve written about this before,
years ago now.
It has not changed,
and I’ve only become slightly
better at accepting it.

What I mean by “better”
is that I’ve stopped inviting people
to spend time with me…
because I’m tired of the “No”.
I’m tired of cancelled plans.
I’m tired of disappointment.
So much so that I am the one saying “No” now,
and am the one cancelling plans…
because I don’t want to get too close anymore.
It’s just too much for myself to handle.
None of that is really true, but it seems so.

Again trying to get at some “Truth” to something,
but it won’t ever be achieved by me.
For thousands of years philosophers have tried,
and have only been able to effect the cultural beliefs
of what’s real…
only for there always to be naysayers,
and contradicting evidence.
Read the famous philosophers throughout human history,
and you’ll see that they all make perfect sense
yet have so many contradictions…
perhaps then the only way to truly know “Truth”
would be to go completely insane.

And I spend most of my days wanting to escape.
Wanting Love.
Wanting Comfort.
Wanting to run away to where
and there is no destination when there is no purpose
and there is no purpose when there is directionless desire.

I think I want a woman in my life,
but my fingers literally hesitate when typing this sentence.
My brain always jumps to asking who would want a man so indecisive,
so different from the image of what a man should be.
My entire life I’ve been told that “women are attracted to confidence”.
I am not confident, and I don’t want to be.
I think confidence is ultimately being close-minded…
confidence is not acknowledging doubt…
and without doubt there can be no new knowledge…
this is my very nature…
and I am told it is the very thing that women find the most unattractive…
so why would I want that?
Why even try to find it?
The only way I can continue is to convince myself
that is just another lie.
Which, again, is why
I challenge my perception of reality.
But then become frightened
because my perception of reality has been challenged.

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