1/4/17 1:22 am

I know it’s late.
Specifically, 1:22am late…
but we are not the same people that we were yesterday,
so I have reason to believe
that I won’t be the same person tomorrow
as I am right now in-between.

What use do I have?
What purpose do I serve
to the greater whole of humanity?
Why is it that I can’t find a
partner / lover / best friend forever?
Why feel jealous of those I love?
Why feel? Still such a stupid question…
because I can’t NOT feel.

Unless I’m dead like her…
I know people that stopped.
That doesn’t just leave you.
People linger…
whether you knew them well or not,
the dead linger.
When your dumb Facebook page
becomes your memorial wall.
When friends and acquaintances
mourn your loss,
but you could not feel them enough
to stick around.

I wonder if I’ll give up too someday.
I wonder if the void will end my time early.
I can see Death clearer than I can see Life.
I’m attracted to it.
Life has brought pain,
and Death seems to be nothing but absence.
Of course that’s redundant because absence is nothing.
I always thought that “something” was better than “nothing”.
I think I still think it.
But it doesn’t make as much sense as it used to.

Doesn’t the absence cause the pain?
Something that was there, is not.
People that were there, are not.
And it sounds so juvenile to think
that I could say something about it
that would make it sound more digestible…
or make it make sense.
And isn’t that just dandy,
that Death doesn’t make sense to me.
It should make sense.
It’s been around long enough
to be accepted.
I guess what I’m really saying is
neither Life or Death
equate to any sort of logic
in my mind.
Ohhh but I have such ache.
If I could ask for anything,
it would be comfort…
no, it would be security…
no, it would be to go back to a time
where comfort and security
were possible.

And sometimes I think that sex
could solve all my issues,
cause it’s been so long.
And I hate that I am so unattractive…
I hate that I don’t fit any mold.
Too feminine to be manly,
too manly to be Emo.
When it comes down to it I can’t fit in,
so I can’t go in.
Sure it’s happened before…
but only when they thought I was different
than who I am.
And sure it’s possible
to find someone that I’m compatible with emotionally…
but it seems less and less likely
every new year.

So let’s add another to the pile
because I refuse to tell myself
that this time it will be different.
I refuse to make more goals
that will never be fulfilled.
I refuse hope
and will just live with desire
for awhile,
because it’s all
that I can rely on.

Happy New Year.

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